This has been an emotionally draining week for many of us, and I’m not going to pretend that what I’m experiencing is any more important than what everyone around the world is going through at this moment.
But I’m tired.
This is more than after the first day of school tired. It’s more than the day after packing up my classroom for the summer tired. And it’s certainly more draining than having 150 digital notebooks and essays coming in at the same time with report cards grades due in two days.
This is an emotional kind of tired.
Physical tired can usually be fixed with a good night’s rest (or perhaps a few good nights in a row). I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m also physically tired…but I’m also emotionally exhausted. I am barely able to keep my emotions in check. I feel like I’m on the verge of bursting into tears all.of.the.time.
I think it has to do in large part with the unknown. I mean, who knows how long this crisis is going to last. How many more people are going to be infected? How many more people will lose loved ones? What happens if people don’t follow the “stay-at-home” order given by governor? Will we go into full lock-down mode…will martial law be instituted? If so, how will we get needed things like food? What about my mom who is 74 years old and lives 30 minutes away?
And then there’s the unknown of work. How long will my school be closed? How will I get assignments to kids without devices? How are my kids doing? Am I doing right by them with the activities and tasks I’m assigning? Will those grades even count? Am I doing all of this in vain…?
Do you see what I mean?
I mean…the scene from Anchorman aptly sums up my emotional state at this moment…
Oh, I know…I need to take a break…focus on self-care…
Yes, I know what to do. But it’s not easy. I am finding it very difficult to turn off the 10,000 thoughts going to my head. My only respite is when I sleep. At least then I feel like my mind can finally slow down. My emotions are somewhat subdued.
But then I wake up and the whole vicious cycle starts all over again.
I know I need to be better…if anything I need to be better for my husband since we’re spending quite a bit of time together. We cannot afford to get on each other’s last nerve.
This brings me back to my 2020 #oneword. Present. I need to be present in the moment. I need to be thankful for what I have. I have a roof over my head, a comfortable bed to sleep in, food in the pantry, toilet paper in the garage, and a husband who is hell-bent on taking care of me.
I am lucky. I am blessed.
But I’m also very tired.